Another normal looking Friday,
Just passed by like that. Time really flies. Well, after some thoughts about life. I guess, i made a choice to get a small book to start writing all my secrets in it then i shall stash it in a secret place. I found out, my life may not be very happening lately but I'm a person full of stories. Be it happy or sad, they're memories that I'll always remember.
Even though i might not openly share my secrets, i hope to share it out some day before i die. Probably, whomever that i wrote in that book, have a chance to take a glance at what i wrote too. Life is short.
I've lots of secrets that i regret keeping. Some are confessions, others are really what i feel all along. I always portrays to be a slacker & a short memory span person. But deep down, i remember alot of things. I can still remember my first ever crush and his name in kindergarten, the first ever insult i heard in my life by a girl in kindergarten whom said to me in Chinese :" You very pretty meh?!" then she pushed me to the ground. Well, i merely just walked past her that's all. I remember people & what they say and do. Sometimes, my memory is a gift to me, sometimes, it's like a curse.
As long as i can remember good stuff, i can vividly remember bad stuffs too. I may not take it to heart, but those images of the past pops up like a database when i analyze a person. I do feel like a robot at times. Hehs...
I tend to bottle things up sometimes, but when i let it go, it doesn't seem to end. Maybe that's my flaw. I keep too much things bottled up. But still, i fear of letting all of my secrets out too. My pride, overtakes me sometimes. When i feel hurt, sad or negative emotions, i bottle them up. In the end when i explode, i breakdown.
I don't know how to show people how i feel at times. I keep them to myself, and think about all of it time to time. Sometimes, when i no longer can breathe from all this, i put on my rollerblades and skate as fast as i can. So that i can feel the wind, and put myself at ease for awhile. But all good things come to an end. What goes up must come down. & Every start have an end. As soon as my skates brings me back to my house door, everything fades back to square one again.
I admire those who can seem so free & so freely forget stuff. They wouldn't have much of a problem to settle either. But for me, my brain work otherwise. Sometimes, i even tell myself to get a psychiatrist and check if I'm mentally sane. Hmm, the world is cruel and so real. It's a scary place to be.
Every step you make is like stepping on an emotional war. Words exchanged are like arrows flying across and piercing everyone. Vibes from each other is like stabs of knife thrown around. Nothing's smooth. It's a do or die mental warfare.
Sometimes, i fear for myself. Will i make out alive? Will i die without regrets? Will i ever do all i can? Is my life the best of me? Will my future be a pleasant one?
Nowadays i worry about my adult life more than anything else. Cause, if i F-ed it up once, i may never get another chance to screw things back up. It's really sad. For all i know if i really did F-ed it up, it'll be time i eat grass and go die. :(
Labels: worries...
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